A Day at The Post Office: The True Account

0700  Start your day by standing in line to swipe your always reliable card through the always reliable time clock.  After several attempts, your card will be accepted and you are now ready to get your vehicle keys and begin your day.  Follow your eager uniformed colleagues outside for a vehicle inspection.  Attempt to start your LLV(Long Life Vehicle).  The starting ability will directly correspond to your level of health and temperament.  Four inflated tires and an emergency brake that isn't frozen in place will have you whistling a happy tune on your way back inside with the same uniformed colleagues, some of whom need post-vehicle inspection counseling, judging by the frequency of words starting with the sixth letter of the alphabet.  Once you reenter the building, you'll want to assess the workload.  Your evaluation will have you well-prepared when your boss comes by to ask you for a commitment.  He or she will be looking for a departure time and a return time for your assigned route.  Keep your responses monosyllabic and try to gaze off in the distance.  Mastering this approach to management will keep you off the radar, unlike the sixth letter guy who has just been called to the office over the intercom.  While you're sorting your mail, you'll want to listen attentively to the daily accident report, a list of yesterday's unfortunate injuries.  Imagine the hit TV show Wipeout as an audiobook narrated by Ben Stein.  Actual reports have included bee stings, cat attacks, and paper cuts, all of which usually require four to six weeks of bed rest.  These mishaps might explain the lack of manpower represented in your office in the last quarter, requiring you to adjust your nose a little closer to the grindstone.  Asking yourself questions about why you showed up today is inadvisable, just take comfort in knowing that you'll be able to claim a medical restriction for that hair transplant surgery you'll need in your fifties.

Now that you've sorted your mail, you are ready to hit the streets.  Bundle up in preparation for the horizontal snow that just blew in from the mountains of Moria.  Balance your temperament before braving the cold, because inevitably some well-intended pedestrian will quip, "Neither snow, nor sleet, nor hail . . ."  The thousandth time you hear this will be the one thousandth incorrect variation of this famous creed, but try not to let it bother you.  Soon it will be summer and this friendly greeting will be replaced by the ever popular postal motto, "Hot enough for ya?"

1750  Clock out repeatedly until authorized to leave for the day.  Congratulations on completing a grueling 10-hour shift at the post office.  On your way home, consider reporting dry skin conditions as a work-related injury, then you won't have to fill in for the co-worker who took last year off to recover from stepping on a pine cone.  Also, remember to bring your leaf blower to work tomorrow. Maintenance hasn't dusted your workstation in a few months, and power tools do save time.